Two years into a now defunct relationship, my lover came to me with a confession. I listened with trepidation as he admitted to having wanted to get this off of his chest for some time. He asked me if I could remember what we ate on our third date, when he invited me over for some home-cooked fare. The details of the meal itself were hazy, as our courtship was a whirlwind of intellectual stimulation and pheromones, so I wasn't focused on the food (for once). "All I remember is fresh pasta," I said.
"Yeah, the thing with that is that it wasn't actually fresh. I just put the pasta into a plastic bag to make you think I'd bought it from an artisan pasta maker, when actually it was Latina...out of a packet...from Safeway."
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Valentine's Day is on the way, as is the corresponding observance of Antivalentinism, a counter-cultural reaction loaded with irony, given that it is intended to be a rejection of ritualised behaviour and consumerism (niche market it ain't, with Google yielding 6,840,000 results for "antivalentine gift").
In the same way that many Australians perceive St Patrick's Day as an excuse - nay, mandate - to get plastered, Valentine's Day to me is just an excuse for experimenting in the kitchen, so to speak. I don't see any reason to be contemptuous of the so-called holiday; if anything, be contemptuous of the people who feel pressured by something so frivolous and who take it seriously. Much of the pressure comes from those with fiscal interests, but like the song goes, "Money can't buy me love" and commercial interpretations of love and romance can typically be siphoned off into one of two revolting categories: schmaltzy or sleazy, giving the uninspired the choice between teddy bears made in China or edible underpants courtesy of Sexyland, Moorabbin.
I still can't be sure why my former partner felt compelled to tell the truth about the mass-produced tortellini years after the fact. Throughout our relationship though, he frequently did romantic, thoughtful things for me and perhaps he felt he fell short in those early stages of seduction.
The point however is that the food mattered less than the act and I maintain that cooking for someone you desire is a unique gift in that it is equal parts loving and sexy; it straddles (hehe) the line between providing sustenance and stimulating the senses - the visual, the olfactory, the oral.
Melbourne’s restaurateurs are capitalising on Valentine’s Day with the usual, predictable flourishes – set menus loaded with "premium" ingredients that are not conducive to romance so much as indigestion. And as romance is the theme, lazy chefs fashion menus with traditional French and Italian provisions: truffles, caviar, butter, cream, taleggio, fettuccine, gnocchi, pannacotta and mousse. One prominent venue is offering a five-course menu featuring a porterhouse steak as a main course, served with gnocchi and buttered broad beans, just in case your date is the size of the Hindenburg.
Richness and sweetness each have their place in a romantic meal, but to make the experience more than a one-note exercise in decadence, the lustful cook should incorporate a variety of flavours and textures. Heavy foods should be limited, lest you cock-block yourself by putting both you and your object of affection into a culinary coma.
Aperitif: Horn of Plenty cocktail
Made with Grand Marnier, champagne, grenadine syrup and bitters, this cocktail is a classic means of priming the tastebuds, with sweet and bitter notes. If you don't have a fetish for bitter orange as I do, a champagne cocktail with pomegranate and fresh ginger also makes for a pleasant amuse bouche.
Starter: Fig salad with goat's feta, walnuts and rocket
Finished with a vinaigrette of white wine and seeded mustard, this summer salad is equal parts crunchy, sweet and creamy. Feta has a beautiful, smooth texture and a mild taste, making it an ideal backdrop for bolder flavours. I prefer unmarinated Persian feta but goat's feta works as well.
Main: Sumac-crusted fillet of ocean trout with steamed broccolini and za'atar tahini sauce
You can't make za'atar? Well neither can I. Not to worry, as it's a widely available Middle Eastern spice mix. Sumac is another widely available spice, which is purple in colour and has a lovely lemon-y tang. The richness of the ocean trout is a fitting centrepiece for a romantic meal; don't spoil it by the unnecessary addition of carbohydrates. Just-cooked greens (brocollini, asparagus, etc) and a dollop of sauce are all that's required.
Dessert: Lychees in their own syrup with fresh mint, blueberries and sesame nougat
This dish comes courtesy of Jamie Oliver. Lychees reign as my favourite fruit, with their firm but yielding flesh and sweet syrup. Fresh mint and blueberries make the dish bright and aromatic; these ingredients should be mixed together and then served over a scoop of Gundowring French Vanilla ice-cream (the Maggie Beer and Connoisseur branded ice-creams are also excellent) and topped with crunchy sesame nougat. The ultimate summer dessert and a much lighter, exciting alternative.
...but if you and/or your hot date are really set on chocolate, just make a fondue to dip things in...
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